Friday, 6 September 2013

'When The World Turns It's Back on You, Turn Your Back On The World.'

Well here is the post I'm not looking forward to writing but need to hence posting on a Friday not to my usual set schedule! Warning: will be very long and ramble-y!

To put it simply, I'm saying goodbye to the blog for a while. 

I don't know how long for, maybe just a month or so but as of today this will be the last new post  to be published for a little bit.
I've been asked why, that people will miss my posts and been surprised at the response when I posted the announcement on Facebook because it's very rare I get any comments or responses from anyone at all lately.For my response as to why, I want to finally spill my 'life story' so to speak. I have mentioned I would post about my troubles for a while but I've never gotten round to publishing the negativity yet.
(Also, before anyone makes any horrible, sarcastic, or whatever comments - I know there are people alot worse off than me and I am grateful for what I have.)
It started in high school I guess, as I had a brilliant childhood and even good experiences in first and middle school. I was bullied. Yeah, so what, I hear you say. Everyone faces bullying of some sort. Well for me it was bad. I developed bulimic tenancies, I dropped out of school for a short while, had my councilor come do home visits and was told I was depressed. At school people would spit at me and my best friend of the time (who later passed away from cancer and I miss more than I can say) and wait to try and catch me after school to throw abuse as well as fists at me. I remember one lunch time break in particular where there must of been at least 30 people surround me and my best friend jeering and teasing. It gutted me that my friend was being involved in this, but I dunno what I would of done had she not been there because I fainted under all the torment - she pretty much carried me to safety.

It eventually eased off a bit but then I met 'he who must not be named'. I wish I had listened to the person who was my only real friend to begin with when she told me she didn't like him, but I guess you have to make your own mistakes! It started off okay, like any teenage relationship apart from the fact we had to keep it a secret. Now I realize it's because he was ashamed of me. We left school and it became less of a deal if people knew, we went on trips and holidays abroad together, we worked, had money and pretty much lived together. But all the while I was put down everyday, told I'd never find anyone better than him, made to act like his slave and eventually hit.
I'm not gonna play innocent, I hit back a couple times. But when you're Grandfather has just passed away you want comforting when crying, not punched and knocked down.
Safe to say I finally got away from that too, but I had to leave my home town and my job because of him.
Then comes the next stage of my journey. By now I was seeing Jake. Thank goodness because he was the main thing keeping me sane and happy. We'd go to the cinema, have a look around shops and walks on the beach. I was living at a family members, which was a huge help as it was the only reason my parents would let me move away but I still wasn't happy. While I was in Berwick, Jake was in Darlington and when I moved to North Shields he had to move to Scarborough. He'd been having a really hard time too and was living with friends so we were 100 mile apart at all times. I had my car though so I drove to meet him and he got the train up to see me and we had the best times!

I told my Mam and Dad I was moving out of my family's and staying with a friend until Jake and I could get a flat together. Little did I know it would only take a week! It was brilliant apart from constantly worrying about money. I proved to my parents I could do it though and they along with Jake have grown to be my best friends and biggest supports. We were in Blyth for a year and 7 months. Then because our tenancy was coming up in the next couple months and the damp that had developed in the back staircase was making me ill, we started looking for a new place. Completely hopeless hunt that was! DSS and pets?! No way all the estate agents told us, one even reducing me to tears.

Just as I thought we were going to be homeless we found a place and snapped it up right away. Upon first inspection it was perfect. Big garden for Baker and stuff. It all was going well here until we started having problems with the neighbours and that brings us to present date. I've started a new job so have the stresses of that, I still and always will worry about money and now I'm scared to move about or talk in my own house.
With what happened to me in school and afterwards I have grown to be stronger and am a total different person to back then, however I still do not like confrontation, cry easily and just want a quiet life where people leave me alone. Jake and I can count our friends on one hand and with not drinking or going out we do not socialize and like how we keep ourselves to ourselves.

I've swept it all under the rug and just forgotten about everything, well tired to, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on you and you just need to have a cry. Constant bad luck even with the simplest things along with everything else, it all got too much the other night and so I decided to have a break from the blog to make myself feel happier in life before forcing myself to stick to my schedule, publishing sub-par posts which I think they have been recently. It feels I put all my time and energy into researching, photographing, writing, posting and advertising new posts but never have much response which makes me wonder why if it's worth doing it.

This blog has kept me going while unemployed. It has been my form of expression, something to entertain me when I've had nothing else to do and even talk to people I would never of spoken to otherwise. It's to promote the things I believe in. To educate people, share things that make me smile and much more, so I'm sure you can understand why I need to take a break, recharge and come back better than ever.


Thank you for understanding and for those who do support me, especially:
My Mam, Dad and Nana.
Gabriel
Lara
Rowan
Phil
Leona
and anyone else who regularly reads and comments.

Be back soon....

2 comments:

  1. It's always worth blogging when you have an inspirational story to tell like your own :) Being bullied is hell when you're going through it and a lot of people don't understand the impact it has on your life even in to your adult years. As an adult it can leave you feeling like you don't deserve happiness and you always have that niggling feeling that people might be able to sense your past. It's good to see your moving forward and life's looking up for you and your partner now. These days I can count my mates on one hand also, you have to be selective when letting people in to your life, surround yourself with people who will help you be a happier person and don't settle for less :) Hope you had a lovely Christmas also xxx

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